Managing the Relationship Matrix

In general a matrix is a table of data containing information in both rows and columns. Specifically a relationship matrix could be one that is used to determine your genealogical relationship to another.  However in terms of relationships, the relationship matrix often refers to how compatible you and your partner are in respect to certain issues such as communication, interests, and financial and career.  While the partners do not have to agree completely in all or any of these areas, finding a balance is critical to a healthy relationship. 

Communication is one of the factors in the relationship matrix.  Style of communication can vary from speaking based on emotion and without much thought to your words to speaking based on logic and putting much thought into what you plan to say before you begin speaking.  On one hand the speaker who relies on emotion, often speaks from their heart and their words usually reflect their feelings at the moment they are speaking.

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On the other hand there is a speaker who relies on logic and often spends much time calculating their words before they speak.  This speaker rarely reflects their emotions in their words and instead relies on facts to support their argument.  While neither style of speaking is right or wrong, conflict may arise in a relationship if the partners are on opposite ends of the spectrum.  These problems may arise if the partner who speaks on emotion is frustrated with the lack of emotion and slow speech of the logical speaker and the logical speaker is in turn frustrated by the lack of restraint shown by their partner.  The partners can help to manage this part of the relationship matrix by trying to meet somewhere in the middle of the two extremes.  The emotional speaker may agree to take some time to step away from their emotions for a few minutes before speaking and the logical speaker may agree to try to speak more freely and without so much restraint in the future. 

Interests and hobbies is another aspect of the relationship matrix that can either doom or enhance a relationship.  Sharing common interests can be beneficial to a relationship because it fosters closeness and a bond between the partners.  They are able to enjoy a common interest or hobby and doing so brings them closer together.  If a couple has no common hobbies, this can be detrimental to the relationship because the members of the couple may feel as though their partner is not taking an interest in their activities.  While this may sound simple enough, it is important to realize that balancing out this aspect of the relationship matrix is very important.  Having too many interests in common can result in one or both of the partners feeling as if they are being smothered while showing no interest in your partner's activities indicates a lack of caring. 

Financial and career aspirations are a tricky part of the relationship matrix that can be a source of much strife in a relationship.  There are two extremes for approaching finances and career.  On one extreme there is the logical and conservative partner while on the other extreme is the emotional and liberal partner.  These two extremes can be a recipe for disaster so it is necessary for this couple to find a sense of balance.  While one partner may be a risk taker in terms of their finances and career the other prefers a more conservative route.  Such extremes often result in the partners becoming frustrated with each other.  This frustration stems from the partners both being uncomfortable with the others approach.  For example the more liberal partner may be upset that the more conservative partner sticks with an unfulfilling job just because the pay is good while the conservative partner may be frustrated that the liberal partner works at a low pay job just because it is enjoyable.  In order to resolve any issues and avoid future conflict, it helps if the partners can come to an agreement that is more to in the middle of the road.  Reaching a compromise that is moderate instead of conservative or liberal will ensure that the financial aspect of the relationship matrix is balanced. 

The key to managing the relationship matrix is balance.  Finding a compromise in regards to crucial issues of the matrix such as communication, interests and finances will result in a much happier and healthier relationship.  While complete agreement is not critical to the survival of the relationship, a willingness to make compromises and understand your partner's positions on the matrix is critical.

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Getting Beyond He Said-She Said

The term, "He said/she said" is often heard in the unfortunate case of rape.  In this situation the term applies to the fact that when there is little factual evidence on which to base a decision the jury is left trying to determine who's story they believe and the case becomes one of her word against his.  These cases perhaps illustrate the problems regarding he said/she said that couples are faced with in a relationship.  

Beyond the fact that in a rape case one or both of the parties may not be telling the truth, exists the underlying problem that men and women think and process information differently. The differences between male and female gender include differences in thought process, sensitivity, memory, and communication.  A successful relationship is one that recognizes the difference between men and women and is able to get beyond the he said/she said scenarios.  

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Men and women have a different thought process when it comes to solving problems.  While both sexes are capable of solving problems equally well the thought process involved in coming to a resolution varies between them. For men a problem is an opportunity for them to demonstrate their problem solving skills in a quick and efficient manner.  Men see having the problem solved as the ultimate goal and they believe that the best solution is the one that is quickest and most efficient. 

Women on the other hand see a problem as an opportunity to work together and reach a resolution.  Women relish the chance to communicate about the problem and the act of working together to solve the problem is more important than actually solving the problem.  Women may feel closer to their partner, even if the problem still exists, if she feels that the resolution process drew them closer together.  Understanding that women and men view the problem solving process differently will help a relationship to prosper. 

Sensitivity is another area where ladies and gentlemen differ.  Women have a heightened sense of sensitivity relative to men. This heightened sensitivity results in women being more prone to act on their emotions rather than on rational thought. A woman’s sensitivity allows her to understand her own feelings as well as those of others better so her reactions tend to take feelings into consideration above logic. 

However, men do not have the same level of sensitivity and therefore are more likely to make their decisions based solely on logic and not take feelings and emotions into consideration.  This disparity can result in problems during a relationship because the woman assumes that the man intentionally tried to hurt their feelings if they make a decision that has this effect while the man may grow frustrated if he believes the woman made an irrational decision.  Realizing that this difference exists will help a couple to get beyond he said/she said. 

Men and Women also differ in terms of memory.  Men have a memory that is stronger in situations where they can recall the details of an event by making an association with something concrete such as a location or item.  For example men are more apt to remember an event that took place in a location that they are able to visualize well. 

Women on the other hand have a memory that is stronger when they are able to associate the emotions felt with that memory to other memories where they had similar emotions.  This type of memory is especially problematic because when a women becomes angry with her partner, she is often able to recall other situations where he has angered her. Unless the difference in memory is recognized it can become a source of frustration in a relationship when the man and woman don't understand why their partner doesn’t remember something that is so vivid to them. 

Men and Women also often have different communication styles which can complicate a relationship.  Men tend to be more introspective about their problems and choose to deal with them internally and without discussing them with their partner.  When they do decide to discuss a problem it's usually after much thought and careful consideration.  Women on the other hand enjoy conversing about their problems with their partner and believe that doing so helps them to understand their problem better and come to a solution more easily.  Women often use communication as a method for reaching a conclusion.  They view the discussion as a way to figure out a solution.  The he said/she said aspects of communications must be understood to avoid frustration and disappointment in a relationship.

Men and women have different styles when it comes to problem solving, sensitivity, memory and communication in a relationship.  Careful observance and understanding of these differences is necessary for a relationship to flourish.  Understanding these he said/she said principals and being willing to get beyond them will help to minimize difficulties in a relationship; in regards to gender differences.

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